The persons & events
in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to
actual persons or events is unintentional.
OSAMA'S NEW TAPE
Virgin Records store in New York
Ahmed at the counter, holding a copy of New York Post:
AHMED: I'm looking for Osama bin Laden's latest recording. What section
might that be?
CLERK: A new recording? Not a remix, not greatest hits? You sure?
AHMED: (pointing at New York Post) That's what it says - featuring
a brand new fatwa, praises of the latest bombings, and never heard
before quotes from the Koran.
CLERK: dude… It's probably old material -- digitally manipulated,
using previously recorded vocals -- you know how they do it now…
His son, fellow band members, Jeff Lynne on the keyboards… Because,
honestly, the last time I heard, Osama was dead in a cave!
AHMED: (pointing at New York Post) The FBI confirmed it's authentic.
Osama says 'Bush is like the Pharaoh' - and he never said that before.
So it's new. They aired it on NPR all day long. You didn't hear it?
CLERK: Is that the title track -- 'Bush is like the Pharaoh' ? Let
me check… What do you know? it's coming out right before Christmas,
bundled with 'Favorite Carols' CD and a dreidel. You want to preorder?
That would be 80 bucks. Cash only -- and no receipt.
AHMED: Allah bless the free market economy! Wait … How will
I know you're not kidding me?
CLERK: Me -- kidding? I thought you'd never guess!
CLERK: I can't believe you actually thought you could buy Osama's
tape on Christmas sale in New York !
AHMED: Your infidel sarcasm always gets me fooled!
AHMED: (outside) I wish Americans would find a way to fight Osama
without curtailing my civil liberties. Why do I have to suffer if
I'm not even a terrorist?
AHMED: No, wait -- I am a terrorist …
AHMED: (walking away) This country hasn't been the same ever since
Osama sent me here…