The Life and Times of Ahmed & Mohammed

The Life and Times of the World’s Wackiest Terrorists


by Ollie Abbot, A&M editor

ALTERNATIVE SOURCE OF CHEEKS FOUND
"MY BUSH DOES NOT DECLARE WARS!"

Just as we thought the world had run out of cheeks to turn, this group of cheeky Californian women discovered an alternative source of cheeks they believe can keep the world peace going and going and going.

November 12th, 2002, Love Field, Marin County - just north of San Francisco, California. The "Baring Witness" movement organized by 72-year-old artist Donna Sheehan first demonstrates their new idea's moving power.
 

Marin County, January 2003.

SELF-TEST:
(the answers will differ based on personal background. This test will help you take a deeper look into your soul and hopefully to understand who you really are)

WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THESE PICTURES?

A: Creative calligraphy
B: Pacific harbor seals' breeding ground
C: A promise of peace in our time
D: Naked women freezing their butts off


WHAT THE ANSWERS REVEAL ABOUT YOU:

IF YOU ANSWERED "A" you are Donna Sheehan
IF YOU ANSWERED "B" you must make a donation of stock, jewelry, artwork, real estate, and other forms of property to PETA. Or seek professional help -- whichever fits your budget.
IF YOU ANSWERED "C" you've seen a higher transcedental truth. You can leave this page now, your journey is complete.
IF YOU ANSWERED "D" you are an ignorant despicable aggressive patriarchal male chauvinist pig. Scroll down for more proof.

February 1, 2003, Cape Town, South Africa. South African leaders strongly encourage peaceful protests. Hey, who can blame them?
 

January 2003, Sussex, UK. This group of cheeky young Londonites decided to pass up on the Sunday lunchtime gathering at O'Neils and headed to Ashdown Forest for their very own saucy protest in the freezing weather.
 

January 26, 2003, Champaign-Urbana, Illinois. It's never too cold for a nude antiwar romp. You might think handing out business cards would be sufficient, but you would be wrong.

Gainesville, Florida. Men quickly followed suit and turned their cheeks to the Florida sun, celebrating their disarming differences with aggressive patriarchal male chauvinists.
 

February 8, 2003, Central Park, New York. Organized by Wendy Tremayne, an unemployed Manhattan artist, this group demonstrated their bare-naked distaste for President Bush's plans to strip Saddam Hussein of his deadly arsenal.

BARELY LEGIBLE: two nudes shy of spelling "B."

If you aren't distracted by the, um, details, you may be able to flesh out "NO BUSH." - AP

 

Feeling lonely? Find a soulmate online!

Quotes from celebrities

 
OSAMA BIN LADEN:

Bush, bush, bush... More bush... I see another bush... And another one... That's quite a bush right there too. Oh my! Salam aleikum, baby! My name's Osama, what's yours? Honestly, I always hated Bush, but now I think I'm about to change my mind. Allah the merciful! It feels so wrong, but it feels so right! Peace, baby, yeah!
   

SHEIK OMAR ABDEL RAHMAN:

I never knew peace movement could be so exciting! This is just like the preview of the 72 virgins awaiting me in paradise. Beats Victoria's Secret any day. The dark-eyed maidens, not violated by man nor jinn, and each time you sleep with them you will find them virgin. Go away, I'd like to be alone now!

   

ABDUL (THE TURBAN) SAYID:

I know that trick! Bate-and-switch! You think it's 72 virgins, but what you get is one 72-year-old virgin, what's her name, Donna Sheehan? They lured me to a turban sale that way. This piece of crap on my head - bait-and-switch! A defective model that falls apart every time a bird shits on it! You can't fool me twice with one trick. No sir!

   

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

All these pictures are fakes! My son makes "satellite" images of naked women with Photoshop every day. What does that prove? Even if they were real, where's the smoking gun? Similar earlier photos were checked by U.N. teams who found allegations of suspicious activities to be unfounded.

   

KHATAMI:

What do I think? Come on. No, I mean really... This is embarrassing. Well, awright, I liked that picture with Florida men better. I don't know why, there's something in the air... Aw, see what you made me do? Now people will think I'm weird. I'm not. But those muscular men keep haunting me even when I'm in bed. Especially when I'm in bed. Uhm... Maybe I should stop using it as a wallpaper on my desktop...

   

MULLAH DUBYAH:

Tell you what, folks. Why don't they just send that 72-year-old artist Donna Sheehan over to Iraq to set up a naked protest? That might be a threat that would cause Saddam to run screaming into the wilderness, never to be seen again.

MIXED REACTION IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Assmobile

"This here idea of alternative ass cheeks got me thinking and so I invented this alternative source of car fuel! Hop in and let's burn rubber! Yeah, baby!"

Salam aleikum, honey!

"Another half a mile and over that hill! You'll see them with your own eyes!"

"And what do those letters say in English?"

"Where do I sign up?"

Some peace activists are encouraged by the idea.

"Listen up, ladies. You are now going to take off your clothes and spell the words "FREE LOVE" with your naked bodies right on this square, while the infidel gentleman here takes the pictures. Any questions? I didn't think so."

Others prefer old and tried methods of achieving peace.

"I'll show you Baring Witness! Go back to the cave, now!"

"I can spell the word 'Peace' with bullet holes in several languages. Do they even care? No-o-o-o! But when some sluts take their covers off, they get all the attention in the world! Men are such pigs!"

This Saudi branch of "Baring Witness" movement were last heard from while preparing to spell ISLAM IS PEACE with their naked bodies. Why the silence, sisters? Email us! We need more success stories from your part of the world!

A Changed Man

"I was going to blow up a bunch of folks in the name of jihad, but these protesters made me change my mind. Now I'm going to blow a bunch of folks in the name of peace."

Confusion...

"It also spells "Bush" you say? Isn't that, uhm, redundant? Oh, it spells "No Bush"? Uhm... Isn't that an oxymoron? Uhm... Considering that thing they spell it with, I mean..."

Anxiety

"That is so sad. Why didn't women do such things when I was younger and full of mojo, like in the 1960s? They did? You sure? Why wasn't I informed? I might be a fighter for peace then! Instead, I wasted that whole decade on memorizing bomb components... You ever get this feeling as if you missed a turn once and now your whole life is going in the wrong direction, and when you figure it out it's so awfully late? That's how I feel right now."

Joy spills into the streets

"All we are saying, is give peace a chance!"

PEACE ACTIVISTS
IN THE WEST CHEER UP
Our palms just got hairier!

High school students join together to share mastur-bation's positive energy with a world in need.

Spread your flower's power!

Woody, active member in the Masturbate for Peace movement:

"The Baring Witness event was a shot in the arm, so to speak, to all of our members. Up until now we had been practicing our beliefs in isolation from mainstream peace movements. Now we ARE mainstream. We don't feel alone in our shower stalls anymore as we focus your thoughts and energy towards love and peace!!

For more info on the international Masturbate for Peace movement see their web site http://www.masturbateforpeace.com
Find over 10,000 petitions as well as poetry, bumper stickers, and pictures that will bring you hours of highly entertaining struggle for world peace.

 

CAVE JOKES ARCHIVES


FIVE EXCELLENT REASONS TO BLOW YOURSELF UP...
...and go to Paradise!
 



ISLAMIC
APRIL FOOLS

 




A CHEEKY PEACE PROTEST IN NEW YORK
And you thought the world has run out of cheeks to turn!
 



AREA NECROMANCER
REVEALS BIN LADEN
TAPE MYSTERY

 



FAKE ID GENERATOR
for unimaginative al Qaeda operatives
 



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