Maybe you heard the news. The FBI is investigating reports that Osama Bin
Laden may actually be using porn sites on the Internet to send coded messages
to members of the Al Qaeda network here in the U.S. This of course brings
several questions to mind. First of all, isn’t it supposed to be a really
big sin if these guys look at porn? And second, which sites does Osama use
to get his messages out? We’re not sure about that first one but we
have researched and uncovered the top 5 porn sites visited by Al Qaeda network
# 5. Bare Burka.com
# 4. Al Show You My Qaeda.com
# 3. Hide In My Cave.com
# 2. Shake Your Tali-bon bon.com
# 1. Ji-STRING-had
Mid East TV - New Season
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You
The Irish SAS
We all heard how the Irish SAS mistakenly invaded Battersea Dogs home and
stole all the Afghans! But did you hear what they did afterwards when they
stormed London Zoo? They killed all the Gorillas and freed all the Ostriches!
Two Muslim sisters, Meenah and Neenah, have just arrived in the USA. On arrival
they spot a hot dog vendor. Meenah says to Neenah, "Look, people in this
country eat dogs."
"Odd!" says Neenah, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding, they walk towards the hot dog vendor.
"Two dogs, please," says Neenah.
The vendor wraps two hot dogs and hands them over the counter. Excited, the
sisters hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. Meenah is
the first to open hers. She stares at it for a moment and begins to blush.
Then she leans over to Neenah and whispers cautiosuly, "What part did
The Big Debate
Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave
Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So
the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the
Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay.
If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion
who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.
But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly
agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on
the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin
pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims
An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one
God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show
him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out
the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled
out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen.
"What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First
he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him
up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims.
I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
Muslims in Gamle -- "old town" Oslo, Norway -- applied for the
right to call worshipers to prayers, calling "Allahu akbar" ("God
is great") over loudspeakers. The neighborhood council granted the request,
to the delight of the World Islamic Mission. A spokesman said the decision
is a "victory of great symbolic importance. It means our religion is
respected on the same lines as other religions." But to keep things completely
equal, the council also approved a request by The Norwegian Heathen Society
to summon members to their meetings by calling out "There is no God"
over the loudspeakers. (AP)
... Next step: everyone screaming "Our God can beat your God"
at the top of their lungs.
An American fighter pilot was flying his F18 aircraft over Afghanistan when
he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand-side on which sat a man with a
machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet also manned by
a man with a machine gun. "I've got to get out of this", he thought
so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came
up behind both carpets. He then shot them both down. On arriving back at his
Aircraft Carrier he was told to report to the captain immediately. "You
idiot !" shouted the captain, "we saw what you did on our radar
and now we're in a load of trouble". "What do you mean" asked
the pilot, "I shot both carpets down". "I know that",
said the captain, "but they were Allied Carpets."
* Allied Carpets is a well-known British flooring
Q: What do you call a paki in a skip?
Q: What do you call a sikh in a nightclub?
A: Dan Singh
Q: What do you call a pakistani wife beater?
Q: What do you call a pakistani lesibian?
Q: What do you call a burnt paki?
Q: Pakistani living between two houses?
Ireland's worst air disaster
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
Terrorists Multiplying in the South
The governors of Alabama, Georgia, and Mississippi announced they have made
a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved
with the locals. The result is not pretty, and we now have the sad task of
reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, and we are
hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
Muslim fundamentalists believe that a "martyr"
(shaheed) who dies while fighting in the holy war against the infidels (jihad)
goes to paradise where he is given 72 beautiful virgins for wives plus a number
of never aging boys for slaves (apparently, pedophilia is allowed in paradise
as well as slavery and polygamy). This is the eternal bliss that the suicidal
Islamic terrorists crave. In an interesting twist, if a woman dies as a martyr,
she is rewarded with only one husband since women are supposed to stay monogamous
even in heaven -- according to the same Islamic doctrine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to
do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges
didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight
girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make
me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to
all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?
Arafat's Potato Chips
If you live in Egypt you can now purchase cheese flavored Yasser Arafat potato
chips. They're selling like pipe bombs in Jenin. (Warning: may cause anal
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Arafat's Potato Chips
10. Mister Potato Head has martyred himself for your snacking pleasure.
9. Death to Pringles, Death to Jews.
8. Tostitos may have the fiesta bowl but see the New Abu Ammar Chips Bowl
next New Year's Day featuring Cal Berkeley v. SFSU.
7. We couldn't make them with real potatoes because the Jews have taken all
our potatoes away.
6. Israeli supermarkets can't keep them on the shelves because we keep blowing
up the supermarkets.
5. Goes great with Hamas Hummus!
4. Explodes in your mouth not in your hand.
3. Now served on all Air-France flights.
2. Free Martyr-Boy action figure in every box.
And the number one rejected slogan for Arafat's potato chips:
1. Try them today with new UN Observer Dip.
The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics
15. The Long-Distance Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew
14. The Four-Man Bomb Sled
13. Synchronized Surrendering
11. Women's 4x200 Avoid-Drowning-in-the-Burqa Relay
9. Women's Downhill-From-Here Flogging
8. Sprint into the Dark Ages
7. Buddha Statue Marksmanship
6. Women's Don't-Show-Your-Figure Skating
5. Tora Bora Cave Whack-a-Mole
4. Regardless of the event, the Russian judge will still cheat.
3. Mixed Pairs Minefield Dancing (Men only)
2. Goat Vaulting
and Number 1 Event in the Taliban Olympics...
1. The 600-Yard Bowel-Evacuating Daisy-Cutter Dash
Osama bin Laden dies and goes to paradise. Once in paradise, he finds himself
surrounded by 72 of the ugliest skanks anyone has ever laid eyes upon. A bemused
Allah then says to him: "Why do you think they're still virgins?!"
Day of Rage Super Sales
Osama bin-Laden declared that Monday, October 8 would be a worldwide "Day
of Rage." However, nothing out of the ordinary occurred, most likely
because bin-Laden failed to realize that October 8 was also Columbus Day.
The UOATO (Union of Associated Terrorist Organizations, pronounced "you-oh-ah-toh")
protested the scheduling of Day of Rage on Columbus Day and suggested instead
that Day of Rage be moved to the following Monday, giving terrorists around
the world two three-day weekends in a row. Such a move would also allow for
special "Day of Rage Super Sales" at numerous Afghani and Iraqi
John Walker Lindh on TV
"Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized
America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again.
See, that's the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don't touch the
"That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts
of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that's 360
"John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was
to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out
of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide
"Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J.
loved his wife."
"Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking
with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I know how we
should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns
stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll know how to take care of him!"
"Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back
to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone
who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show
out of it."
"More and more news coming about this guy John Walker, this dude who
fought with the Taliban. Turns out he went to a terrorist school in Afghanistan.
A terrorist school - or, as we call it here, pre-law."
"Did you hear about this 20-year-old kid named John Walker from Northern
California who was apparently fighting for the Taliban?... It didn't take
long for the TV networks to jump on this Walker thing. CBS has a new show:
'Walker: Taliban Ranger.'"
"John Walker Lindh, a 20-year old American who had been studying in
Pakistan has been captured in Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban.
Experts call it the worst semester abroad program ever."
-Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal
up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs
and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured
so far is an American."
"In Afghanistan, U.S. troops are now holding an American man who has
been fighting alongside the Taliban. His mother says he was born in Washington,
D.C. and his father's a lawyer. Well, that explains it. ... He surrendered
to authorities and said he wants to go back to his old job - airline security
6.00 Gee-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talibannies. Talibannies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky
repair a Stinger missile launcher. La-La & Po show how to grow Anthrax.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Shoot! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's
entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will Mohammed be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks thequestions.Will contestants
phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover
to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers
were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti
art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
2.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.
A mother had three daughters and, on each daughter's wedding, she tells each
one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment
to their new husbands by openly discussing their love-lives, the mother and
daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a code to say how things
The first one gets married and the next day a letter arrives with the single
line: MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE! The mother gets the newspaper and finds the advert
for Maxwell Coffee House, which says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop ...'
so she's happy that all's going well.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, a message arrives reading
ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES!! The mother checks out the ad and it says 'Full size,
king-size!', so she's happy again!
The the third daughter's wedding arrives. Nothing comes in the post, no phone
calls, and the mother's getting anxious. After a month a scrawled message
finally arrives saying SAUDI AIRLINES. She goes to the newspaper and finds
the ad for Saudi Airlines and faints ...
'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways!'
Life in the Islamic Football League
It's hard to find quality field-goal kickers for the Islamic Football League,
because league rules allow for kickers who miss from inside 30 yards to have
their feet amputated.
LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW QUOTES
"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said,
'I don't know, let's find out.'"
~ Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
~ David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for
the rap industry."
~ Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S.
promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban
for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."
~ Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war
on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three
~ Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if
you were an intern."
~ David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in
this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
~ Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken
for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's
next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
~ Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's
6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie."
~ Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden
has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave
~ Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant
on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking
U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
~ Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress
announced that they are accepting bribes again."
~ Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet
and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
~ Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I
have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead
of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are
better than you!'"
~ Conan O'Brien
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get
his money, he'll be dead in a week."
~ Jay Leno
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve
the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
~ Jay Leno
"We're just being silly this week trying to make people feel good.
People are chipping in. All of Hollywood is helping out. Did you see this?
God bless them, rap stars are now offering to donate their arsenals to the
United States military."
~ Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but
let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
leave a little extra time."
~ Jay Leno
Who has been appointed as one of the key people in the Congressional committee
on homeland security? Gary Condit. That makes sense. The CIA says if we are
going to investigate the scum of the earth, we are going to need lowlifes
and degenerates to go in for us."
~ Jay Leno
America seems to be adjusting. Here in Hollywood, people here are almost back
~ Jay Leno
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's
WASHINGTON, DC— In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President
Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist
the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's
recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough
suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring
Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that
the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's
home could not be confirmed as of press time.
Failed Taliban Recruiting Posters:
1. "Be Allah you can be"
2. "Aim Low"
3. "An Army of None"
4. "The Few....................................."
5. "Martyrs have more fun"
6. "Vigins....we got Virgins!!"
7. "Free Camoflage Turbans....sign up today!"
8. "Uncle oSAMa wants you"