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Questions and Answers

Q: How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
A: It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists can be negotiated with.

Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?
A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.

Q: Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?
A: 'Get your face out for the boys...'

Q: What do you call a taliban that owns a camel and a goat?
A: Bisexual.

Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats?
A. A pimp.

Q: Why doesnt Afghanistan have WalMart?
A: Because they have a Target on every corner!!!!

Q: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A: A map.

Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick.

Q: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
A: DUCK!!!

Q: What does Osama wear on his head?
A: Osama Bed Linen!

Q: What do you call a Taliban who's never had sex?
A: Never Bin Laden!

Q: Why doesn't Osama bin laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Q: What do you call an Islamist with a black eye?
A: Bin Leathered

Q. Why do the Taliban wear robes?
A. A goat can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q. Why did Osama fire Martha Stewart?
A. She was unable to find fabric that went with stalagmites.

Q. Know what the Taliban do for fun?
A. Sit around and get bombed

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Osama is a dead man!

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
A: They both blew a power structure!!

Q. Why do they call the camel "the ship of the desert?"
A. Because it's full of Arab semen!

Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A. Photo I.D.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q. Sadam and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first?
A. Sadam, business before pleasure.

Q: Why does Osama make his wives wear veils?
A: Because he gets jealous when their mustaches are bigger than his.


They sprayed Viagra over the caves...

"Hey did you hear they found Bin Laden?"
"Really?"
"Yeah...they sprayed Viagra over the caves and the little prick popped right up!"


IMPORTANT NOTICE:

ALL K-MART AND WAL-MART STORES WILL BE CLOSING IN IRAQ.

THEY WILL BECOME ... TARGETS.


Taliban TV

Everybody Loves Mustafa

Comedy mayhem ensues as Mustafa, who has married three women from different tribes, fends off attempts on his life from his in-laws.

Bowling for Cornmeal

This perenial favorite pulls a large Saturday afternoon audience. Contestants can win up to two kilos of American donated cornmeal.

The Goat Roper Report

The Taliban have given a whole new meaning to the term "Animal Husbandry!" This nightly show reports on the hot spots for nighttime goat roping. Giddyup!

Whose Execution is it Anyway?

Two teams of Taliban executioners compete to see who can come up with the most creative and funny way to dispose of enemies of the regime. Live every Tuesday night.

This Old Cave

Popular show gives improvement advice for the do-it-yourselfers, who want to hunker down in comfort and style.

Dharma and . . . . .

Hilarious bedlam breaks out as the widowed Dharma, a Shiite, resists the advances of her Taliban neighbor's son Mohammed, who just happens to be a Sunni.


G.A.S.H.

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed..and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."


Osama in Hell

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


Arrange the meeting

Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen wearing t-shirts that read:

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden.
It's our job to arrange the meeting!

United States Marine Corps


More Bin Laden Bashing on Late Night TV

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."

~ David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."

~ Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."

~ Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

~ Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."

~ Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."

~ Conan O'Brien

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living."

~ Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"

~ Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."

~ Jay Leno


One Texas Soldier

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."


THE MIDDLE EAST PHRASE BOOK

Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram

The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban

The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande

I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

Balli, Balli, Balli

Whatever you say.

Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.


Osama on Late Night TV

"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that he is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."

- David Letterman

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."

- David Letterman

"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Potholeistan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."

- Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding Bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."

- Jay Leno "

We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that Bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."

- Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."

- Jay Leno

"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood."

- Jay Leno

"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'"

- Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy."

- David Letterman

"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota."

- David Letterman

"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing."

- David Letterman

"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay."

- Jay Leno

"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?"

- Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Now how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies you don't get paid. If you're found you get killed."

- Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes and he's married to five of them."

- David Letterman

"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course they'll have no problem getting into this country."

- David Letterman

"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan which is not going to be easy. After our last election look how long it took us to set up our own government."

- Jay Leno


Middle Eastern Sex Laws (true facts)

Most Middle Eastern countries recognise the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


Letter from Osama

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't foget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about the cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. Thats all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers disguised, trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you guys.

Osama


Osama & Little David

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well, David says, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."


Myturbin-Izburnin

Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.

These new names include:

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Imma-Dedshmuck


The Top 17 Songs About Osama bin Laden

17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
16. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves
15. Taliban on the Run
14. Jalalabad Moon Risin'
13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker
12. Freebeard
11. Allah Said Knock You Out
10. The Goatest Love of All
9. Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda
8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned Her to Death)
7. Meet'yer Mak'er
6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer
5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy
4. The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down
3. He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance
2. (Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song About Osama bin Laden...
1. Cheney's Got a Gun.


You might be a Muslim redneck...

1. If you put your boots back on after salat.
2. If you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
3. If you tip you hat when you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
4. If your thobe is a camouflage color.
5. If you hunt between magrib and Isha.
6. If you can't make up your mind between listening to George Strait or Sheik Hamza Yusuf.
7. If you regularly beg your Imam to issue a fatwah legalizing pork.
8. If you fish, swim, bath, and perform wudu in the same body of water.
9. If you prefer to pray outside your trailer.
10. If you think God will look a lot like a famous country singer.
11. If you think the greatest jihad is praying magrib during WWF Wrestling.
12. If you think the greatest jihad consists of spraypainting "Allah Akbar" on a water tower.
13. If you ever wonder why the Jerry Springer Show hasn't called you yet.
14. If you're the only one who refuses to eat possum at your family's Thanksgiving dinner.
15. If you think Clint Eastwood should play Muhammad(pbuh) in the next movie, "The Messenger."
16. If you've ever said "takbeer" during a rodeo, tractor pull, or wrestling match.
17. If you distribute Qur'ans at your fireworks stand or yard sale.
18. If your belt buckle says "Allah Akbar."
19. If you've ever worn that belt over your thobe.
20. If you can't wait until KFC chicken becomes zabia.
21. If your regular dua includes your cow, your dog, and your crops.
22. If your mosque is surrounded by pick-up trucks during Jummah.
23. If the FBI surrounded your trailer park and took Muhammad Smith in for questioning.
24. If the reading material on your coffee table includes "Hunting and Fishing" and the Qur'an.
25. If your reversion story includes the KKK, a minister, a bar incident, or a hunting accident.
26. If your wife's hair can't stay put in a hijab.
27. If your closest friend is Joe Bob "Abdul Rahman" Edwards.
28. If a prayer hangs outside and inside your outhouse door.
29. If you catch yourself saying "Oh, no, brother that's haram" everytime he's near Jack Daniels.
30. If you're banned from the county picnic for distributing Qur'ans illegally.
31. If you wonder whether naming your dog "Abdul Majid" is sacriligious.
32. If you're waiting for Wal-Mart to sell kufis and thobes.
33. If you've ever asked your Imam if monster truck rallies are halal.
34. If you've ever worn a cowboy hat over your kufi.
35. If you explain original sin by insisting that you don't deserve to go to jail with your Uncle Roy.
36. If you've ever made a do-it-yourself prayer rug with duct tape.
37. If you say "Bismillah" before chopping wood.
38. If you swear that Jefferson Davis was really a misunderstood Muslim.
39. If you've ever gotten into a fist fight in a laundromat over something Islam-related.
40. If you just wondered if you had died during that fist fight if you would have died a martyr.
41. If your Imam gives a lecture against pouching, and you know he's referring to you.
42. If you explain Tawheed by insisting that all your three uncles can't be your Dad.
43. If you've ever driven a tractor to a mosque.
44. If you've ever said, "Hurry ya'll Iqama!"


TRUE FACT - Soccer Islamic-style

SPORT - Iranian viewers get live world cup broadcasts Islamic-style

Teheran, June 18 (NCA/Reuter) -- For the first time since the Islamic revolution in 1979, Iranian soccer fans this year are able to enjoy live broadcasts of world cup games as they are being played in the United States.

But Iranian TV viewers were surprised to see spectators apparently wearing winter coats during yesterday's opening match between Germany and Bolivia. That game, which was played in the U.S. city of Chicago, took place in sweltering heat and humidity. Explaining the situation, Javaad Motaqi, an advisor to the director of Iran's radio and TV, said there had been a "correction of un-Islamic scenes". The aim was apparently to avoid showing women in revealing clothing which goes against the Iranian dress code for women. So Iranian viewers instead saw spectators wearing coats, gloves and hats in pre-recorded footage from games that were played in the winter.



Saddam French mix 1 mix 2 mix 3 mix 4 Political
Search Cave Jokes! Tell Ahmed & Mohammed a joke - see how they like it! Reload!
CAVE JOKES ARCHIVES


FIVE EXCELLENT REASONS TO BLOW YOURSELF UP...
...and go to Paradise!
 



ISLAMIC
APRIL FOOLS

 




A CHEEKY PEACE PROTEST IN NEW YORK
And you thought the world has run out of cheeks to turn!
 



AREA NECROMANCER
REVEALS BIN LADEN
TAPE MYSTERY

 



FAKE ID GENERATOR
for unimaginative al Qaeda operatives
 

 



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