Q: How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
A: It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists can be negotiated with.
Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?
A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.
Q: Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?
A: 'Get your face out for the boys...'
Q: What do you call a taliban that owns a camel and a goat?
Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats?
A. A pimp.
Q: Why doesnt Afghanistan have WalMart?
A: Because they have a Target on every corner!!!!
Q: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A: A map.
Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick.
Q: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
Q: What does Osama wear on his head?
A: Osama Bed Linen!
Q: What do you call a Taliban who's never had sex?
A: Never Bin Laden!
Q: Why doesn't Osama bin laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Q: What do you call an Islamist with a black eye?
A: Bin Leathered
Q. Why do the Taliban wear robes?
A. A goat can hear a zipper a mile away.
Q. Why did Osama fire Martha Stewart?
A. She was unable to find fabric that went with stalagmites.
Q. Know what the Taliban do for fun?
A. Sit around and get bombed
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same
A: Because the camels can't handle it.
Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Osama is a dead man!
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
A: They both blew a power structure!!
Q. Why do they call the camel "the ship of the desert?"
A. Because it's full of Arab semen!
Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A. Photo I.D.
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and
at a cost of $800,000.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Q. Sadam and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the
A. Sadam, business before pleasure.
Q: Why does Osama make his wives wear veils?
A: Because he gets jealous when their mustaches are bigger than his.
They sprayed Viagra over the caves...
"Hey did you hear they found Bin Laden?"
"Yeah...they sprayed Viagra over the caves and the little prick popped
ALL K-MART AND WAL-MART STORES WILL BE CLOSING IN IRAQ.
THEY WILL BECOME ... TARGETS.
Everybody Loves Mustafa
Comedy mayhem ensues as Mustafa, who has married three women from different
tribes, fends off attempts on his life from his in-laws.
Bowling for Cornmeal
This perenial favorite pulls a large Saturday afternoon audience. Contestants
can win up to two kilos of American donated cornmeal.
The Goat Roper Report
The Taliban have given a whole new meaning to the term "Animal Husbandry!"
This nightly show reports on the hot spots for nighttime goat roping. Giddyup!
Whose Execution is it Anyway?
Two teams of Taliban executioners compete to see who can come up with the
most creative and funny way to dispose of enemies of the regime. Live every
This Old Cave
Popular show gives improvement advice for the do-it-yourselfers, who want
to hunker down in comfort and style.
Dharma and . . . . .
Hilarious bedlam breaks out as the widowed Dharma, a Shiite, resists the
advances of her Taliban neighbor's son Mohammed, who just happens to be
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one
is around but the phone by his bed..and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and
we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.'
It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get
under the door."
Osama in Hell
Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on
my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with
a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Arrange the meeting
Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen
wearing t-shirts that read:
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden.
It's our job to arrange the meeting!
United States Marine Corps
More Bin Laden Bashing on Late Night TV
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million,
he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'
~ David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't
solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
~ Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted.
This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300
million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments.
This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
~ Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
~ Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he
never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
~ Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."
~ Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because
we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living."
~ Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing
outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it
could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every
~ Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to
talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word
~ Jay Leno
One Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than
ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers
over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand
Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters
and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out
as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a
trap. There's actually two of them."
THE MIDDLE EAST PHRASE BOOK
Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor
with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your
Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I
will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Osama on Late Night TV
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday
one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that he is married to the
daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany
Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are
living in separate caves."
- David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think
that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos
actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
- David Letterman
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished
fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot
of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name
changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Potholeistan,
Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
- Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding Bin Laden. How about finding Dick
Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where
did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
- Jay Leno "
We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today
the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that Bin Laden had
an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood
was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
- Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel
persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to
feel like a woman in their country."
- Jay Leno
"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is
wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The
guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood."
- Jay Leno
"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered
several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And
if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet
'n' Wild Spring Break'"
- Conan O'Brien
"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner
with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy."
- David Letterman
"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things
are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his
- David Letterman
"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a
shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing."
- David Letterman
"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying
a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama
also has a gun, this could work out okay."
- Jay Leno
"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes
two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she
have to show her ankles to to get that job?"
- Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Now how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's
no way to win! If Osama dies you don't get paid. If you're found you get killed."
- Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes
and he's married to five of them."
- David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't
want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course they'll have no problem getting
into this country."
- David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan
which is not going to be easy. After our last election look how long it took
us to set up our own government."
- Jay Leno
Middle Eastern Sex Laws (true facts)
Most Middle Eastern countries recognise the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden
from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their
reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies
to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick
or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Letter from Osama
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together
as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that
says, "There is no 'I' in team" as well as the one that says "Hang
In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't foget to take care of the
cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to
be concerned about the cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about
the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do
I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the
main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to
scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're
taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while
we're taping. Thanks.
Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama"
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. Thats all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers disguised, trying
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you guys.
Osama & Little David
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well, David says, I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other
kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence
has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse
17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
16. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves
15. Taliban on the Run
14. Jalalabad Moon Risin'
13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker
11. Allah Said Knock You Out
10. The Goatest Love of All
9. Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda
8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned
Her to Death)
7. Meet'yer Mak'er
6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer
5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy
4. The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down
3. He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to Have to Carry
His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance
2. (Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song About Osama bin Laden...
1. Cheney's Got a Gun.
You might be a Muslim redneck...
1. If you put your boots back on after salat.
2. If you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
3. If you tip you hat when you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll."
4. If your thobe is a camouflage color.
5. If you hunt between magrib and Isha.
6. If you can't make up your mind between listening to George Strait or Sheik
7. If you regularly beg your Imam to issue a fatwah legalizing pork.
8. If you fish, swim, bath, and perform wudu in the same body of water.
9. If you prefer to pray outside your trailer.
10. If you think God will look a lot like a famous country singer.
11. If you think the greatest jihad is praying magrib during WWF Wrestling.
12. If you think the greatest jihad consists of spraypainting "Allah
Akbar" on a water tower.
13. If you ever wonder why the Jerry Springer Show hasn't called you yet.
14. If you're the only one who refuses to eat possum at your family's Thanksgiving
15. If you think Clint Eastwood should play Muhammad(pbuh) in the next movie,
16. If you've ever said "takbeer" during a rodeo, tractor pull,
or wrestling match.
17. If you distribute Qur'ans at your fireworks stand or yard sale.
18. If your belt buckle says "Allah Akbar."
19. If you've ever worn that belt over your thobe.
20. If you can't wait until KFC chicken becomes zabia.
21. If your regular dua includes your cow, your dog, and your crops.
22. If your mosque is surrounded by pick-up trucks during Jummah.
23. If the FBI surrounded your trailer park and took Muhammad Smith in for
24. If the reading material on your coffee table includes "Hunting and
Fishing" and the Qur'an.
25. If your reversion story includes the KKK, a minister, a bar incident,
or a hunting accident.
26. If your wife's hair can't stay put in a hijab.
27. If your closest friend is Joe Bob "Abdul Rahman" Edwards.
28. If a prayer hangs outside and inside your outhouse door.
29. If you catch yourself saying "Oh, no, brother that's haram"
everytime he's near Jack Daniels.
30. If you're banned from the county picnic for distributing Qur'ans illegally.
31. If you wonder whether naming your dog "Abdul Majid" is sacriligious.
32. If you're waiting for Wal-Mart to sell kufis and thobes.
33. If you've ever asked your Imam if monster truck rallies are halal.
34. If you've ever worn a cowboy hat over your kufi.
35. If you explain original sin by insisting that you don't deserve to go
to jail with your Uncle Roy.
36. If you've ever made a do-it-yourself prayer rug with duct tape.
37. If you say "Bismillah" before chopping wood.
38. If you swear that Jefferson Davis was really a misunderstood Muslim.
39. If you've ever gotten into a fist fight in a laundromat over something
40. If you just wondered if you had died during that fist fight if you would
have died a martyr.
41. If your Imam gives a lecture against pouching, and you know he's referring
42. If you explain Tawheed by insisting that all your three uncles can't be
43. If you've ever driven a tractor to a mosque.
44. If you've ever said, "Hurry ya'll Iqama!"
TRUE FACT - Soccer Islamic-style
SPORT - Iranian viewers get live world cup broadcasts Islamic-style
Teheran, June 18 (NCA/Reuter) -- For the first time since the Islamic revolution
in 1979, Iranian soccer fans this year are able to enjoy live broadcasts of
world cup games as they are being played in the United States.
But Iranian TV viewers were surprised to see spectators apparently wearing
winter coats during yesterday's opening match between Germany and Bolivia.
That game, which was played in the U.S. city of Chicago, took place in sweltering
heat and humidity. Explaining the situation, Javaad Motaqi, an advisor to
the director of Iran's radio and TV, said there had been a "correction
of un-Islamic scenes". The aim was apparently to avoid showing women
in revealing clothing which goes against the Iranian dress code for women.
So Iranian viewers instead saw spectators wearing coats, gloves and hats in
pre-recorded footage from games that were played in the winter.