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News Headline from "Palestinian Gunman Daily"

Suicide bomber twin blows up brother by mistake.


What is an American?

The following was said to have been written by a dentist in Australia and is well worth taking the time to read in its entirety:

"You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God-given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11th, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These, in fact, are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11th, earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every blood-thirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so, you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Pass this around the world.


Merry Christmas Osama

Twas the night before Ramadan
As Osama, the louse
Was plotting with Omar;
His soon-to-be spouse.
The Taliban were nestled,
All snug in their caves
And they dreamt of young virgins
Who would soon be their slaves.
Out in the desert,
There arose such a clatter
They crept from their caves
To see what was the matter.
Not far in the distance
There came a strange sound.
Lo and behold;
They saw a mushroom-shaped cloud.
Before Osama evaporated
He knew it was true:
His ass had been kicked
By the Red, White, and Blue


A Muslim view of Britain

The following is a verbatim quote of the opening paragraphs of a (serious) article on the effect that Salman Rushdie's book "The Satanic Verses" is having on Britain's Muslim community. The article is by Jack O'Sullivan, and appeared in The Independent, a UK "quality" national newspaper, on 5 Jan 1990.

A joke going around Bradford concerns two Muslims chatting in a halal shop. The first says he has decided to take the Government's advice to integrate and be like the British. "Oh yes," replies his friend. "And how will you do that?"
"I'm going to take my secretary to Paris for a dirty weekend," the first man says.
"But you don't have a secretary," the friend points out.
"That doesn't matter," says the first. "I'll take my wife and say she's my secretary."


Jesus Saves

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.

After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors.
The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that at last the competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.
Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage.
The judge turned to the other competitor.
Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.


Peace Between Us

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


What will happen if Manila is attacked?

Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in Manila, we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.

We do not have tall buildings. The only large structure that can be seen from above is the Marcos monument in Ilocos and terrorists are welcome to target that.
We all get on the job late in the morning specially government employees, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill (well, not even at 10 am!).

Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there will be no casualties among them.
The national airline would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed again or crash before even getting to the target due to mechanical troubles.

You see... in Manila we are well prepared!


ALLAH, BRING TWO COKES

This Muslim dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "Welcome to heaven my son, please enter."
The Muslim says "oh no no, I can not enter without seeing Allah."
St. Peter says "oh...Allah, he is upstairs."
Muslim: "of course, Allah is upstairs."
He climbs upstairs and meets Jesus Jesus says "welcome to heaven my child, please enter."
The Muslim says "Oh no no, I can not enter without seeing Allah."
Jesus says "but of course...Allah is upstairs, top floor."
The Muslim smiles and thinks to himself "of course, Allah is on the top of heaven."
At the final gate he meets the all mighty Lord himself who says "welcome to heaven my child, please enter."
Of course the Muslim says he can not enter without meeting Allah, to which the Lord replies.
"But of course...Allah is here. But he is busy right now, why don't you have a seat and wait for him."
The Muslim is so excited that his Allah is so important, after all he thought is was so.
The Lord says to the Muslim "why you must be parched, would you like a drink?"
Muslim "yes I would like a drink."
Lord "would you like a coke?"
Muslim "yes it sounds good."
Lord "fine, I think I'll join you" with that the Lord snaps his fingers and says
"Allah, bring two cokes."


Chicago AP

CHICAGO (AP) - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.


Know Your History

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "... the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f*cked!"
Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"


Well Water

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."


4 terrorists

Latest news reports that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating as City of Dallas employees. The Dallas Chief of Police advised today that 3 out of the 4 had been detained.

Chief Bolton stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin, and Bin Fightin have been arrested on charges of fraudulently obtaining Lone Star cards. Greenville police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the city offices. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in city offices or job sites.


Gift Ideas That Will Help The Afghan Economy

Help rebuild the Afghan economy by buying a nice gift from Afghanistan.

The Taliban Tooth Cleaner

This dental cleaner has a self contained water reservoir and sets up in seconds for cleaning your tooth. It is ideal for use when travelling after being bombed or when you are on the go while being hunted by your enemies. Runs on 2 AA batteries not included. Also tooth not included.
$95.00 Shipping extra.

Genuine Afghanistan Bathrobe

Imported exclusively from Afghanistan, this bathrobe comes from Kunduz. It consists of 2 napkins and a short rope. Rope and napkins not included.
$59.99 Shipping extra.

Poppy Bouquet

Nothing says love like a bouquet of flowers. Can easily be made into opium for a gift of a lifetime. Buying a Poppy Bouquet helps the Afghan farmer feed his family and gives you a wonderful joy.
$129.99 Shipping extra.

Russian Mine

Collected off the Afghan countryside. This live mine makes the perfect gift for the boss.
$299.99 Shipping extra.

Authentic Afghan Burqa

This full length veil covers the entire body and has a handy netted opening for breathing. Inside pockets extra. Available in blue or bluer. The ideal mother-in-law gift.
$199.99 Shipping extra.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS HIDING MULLAH OMAR

10. In his garage are a 1997 Mazda Protege and a camel.
9. His last name is Schmidt -- the mailbox reads "Schmidt/Omar."
8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night vision.
7. Has bumper sticker "Al Qaeda members do it in caves."
6. The place reeks of goat.
5. Comes over and asks to borrow a cup of sand.
4. Driveway sign reads "Don't even think about parking here" in Pashtu.
3. Claims the bearded, turbaned guy you saw is a Swedish exchange student.
2. He declared a Jihad against crabgrass.
1. His kitty is wearing a burqa
("Late Show With David Letterman")


A day in the life of Osama bin Laden

David Letterman presented an hour-by-hour account of a day in the life of Osama bin Laden:

7:00 am: "He wakes up and asks his assistant, 'Am I still alive?'"
8:00 am: "Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt."
10:30 am: "He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-e-Sharif Amoco."
11:30 am: "Has trouble opening a jar of peanut butter; declares jihad against Skippy."
1:00 pm: "Tae-Bo."
1:30 pm: "Records a video demanding America surrender or else he'll make another video demanding America surrender."
2:30 pm: "He's a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest."
3:00 pm: "Picks Mullah Omar's name in this year's Secret Santa drawing."
4:00 pm: "Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents. Gets bored, switches to Oprah."
5:00 pm: "Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8, and 16."
9:00 pm: "Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a spooked rat."
12:00 am: "Kiss family goodnight. Kiss ass goodbye" ("Late Show," CBS, 12/11).


Blackout in lower Manhattan

Con Edison reported that the blackout in the lower Manhattan facility on Saturday, July 20, 2002, had been caused by a squirrel that got into a transformer cutting off power to 63,500 customers for more than seven hours.

There has been a report that the squirrel in question was, in fact, recruited by Osama bin Laden and has been elevated to Martyr status.

Con Edison will begin retaliatory tree strikes at 15:00 EST Monday, July 22, 2002.


One at a time O believers

A lady complained to Sheikh Muhammad, "O Sheikh, because I am not beautiful, no man have desire in me!"

Sheikh Muhammad replied, "Do not worry, in al-jannah (Islamic paradise) you will have one hundred husbands."

So to speed up her way to Al-jannah she climbed up a high building and threw herself down. She fell on top of a passing truck loaded with bananas and fainted.

When she began to come to herself -- but still drowsy -- she reached out her hands and felt the bananas around. She spread her legs and moaned, "One at a time O believers!"


Sharon sits down with Arafat...

Sharon sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. Sharon requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
Sharon begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.
"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies Sharon, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."


THE ULTIMATE RESPONSE TO A DEAR JOHN LETTER

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."



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