Abbot: Do you also speak Arabic?
Miss Courvoisier: You're joking. I
only speak English. But the deceased, you know, they
speak all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. I'm
not a translator, that would cost extra.
Ollie Abbot: How come your tape wound
up at Al-Jazeera first?
Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. Colin
Powel mentioned the tape at the UN a week before Al-Jazeera
aired it. How they got it is another question. I taped
a copy for Abdul from the liquor store next door, so
I guess it got passed around somehow.
Ollie Abbot: Why didn't bin Laden
just go to a Muslim necromancer?
Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from,
necromancy is not allowed. It's witchcraft, people get
killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they
want to communicate, fly to the West on account of more
lax policies on summoning the dead.
Ollie Abbot: But why did he choose
you, a US citizen and a supposed enemy?
Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people.
The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to
make contact with the living regardless of their politics.
Besides, he's got unfinished business with us.
Ollie Abbot: What kind of unfinished
Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way
he died. See, he had been sitting in his cave almost
dead from diarrhea when a US bomb hit the last remaining
crap out of him. So he wants to find out the precise
cause of death. If it was the bomb that killed him,
he'll think of himself as a hero. But if it really was
diarrhea, then you know... It's a cultural thing. That's
the biggest question on his mind right now, and the
answer lies with the US troops in Tora Bora.
Ollie Abbot: How come the transcript
of the tape doesn't mention that?
Miss Courvoisier: It's in that part
where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt.
The translators have totally missed the point.
Ollie Abbot: Did you ask him questions
of intelligence nature? Names, dates, places, bank accounts?
Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits
to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my
aura a bad vibe on the astral and thwart future attempts
at contact. One must turn off and block out all political
affiliations when invoking anything from the astral.
We, necromancers, are similar to lawyers in that.
Ollie Abbot: How did it all happen
and what did you experience?
Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying.
I started with the pendulum and then switched to the
Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered
my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual
energy made my skin tingle for a week!
Ollie Abbot: Tell us about your tools
of the trade.
Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have
always worked for me, but on occasion I also use Ouija
board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment.
I tried video, but even those new digital cameras aren't
sensitive enough. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured
with just a built-in mic on a regular boombox.
Ollie Abbot: US officials did mention
that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much
better than the one from November of 2002.
Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In November
I used my boyfriend's Magnavox boombox. Not this time.
See this? A Yamaha's Audio Workstation with hard disk
recorder, CD Burner, sweepable high-pass filter, gate,
compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously
operable! It's a 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone
digital ministudio. It includes mixing, automation,
sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up
to 7 PCM expansion boards, up to 96 MB of sample RAM,
and up to 256 MB of waveform data. Oh yeah, there's
also dynamics processing and parametric EQ, as well
Ollie Abbot: That's quite enough,
thank you, our readers get the picture.
Miss Courvoisier: The hottest gear
there is. Quite a bang for the buck!
Ollie Abbot: Is there anything that
you would you like to tell our readers?
Miss Courvoisier: Never attempt to
summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you
are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank