The Life and Times of Ahmed & Mohammed

The Life and Times of the World’s Wackiest Terrorists

by going straight to its source

Ollie Abbot, editor

A 16-minute message believed to be from the al-Qaida leader was broadcast Tuesday on the Qatar-based, Arabic-language network. U.S. officials said this tape was of much better quality than the previous one presumed to be from bin Laden, which Al-Jazeera broadcast in November, CNN reported. They did not elaborate about why bin Laden had stopped making videos of himself and switched to audio.  

Al-Jazeera representatives did not elaborate about that mystery either. They simply said they assumed the tape is authentic because they got it from the same source as previous bin Laden statements.

Looking for answers our editors decided to go straight to the source.


"I made Osama bin
Laden's audio recording and passed it on to the US authorities,"

says Miss Courvoisier,
psychic worker of Brooklyn, New York

Her booth is strategically located between the boardwalk and a liquor store in Coney Island, where she practices necromancy from noon to 8pm including weekends. The back room contains a Yamaha audio recording ministudio. The sign over the entrance says, "We speak Spanish and Russian."

Exclusive Interview With A Psychic

Ollie Abbot: Do you also speak Arabic?

Miss Courvoisier: You're joking. I only speak English. But the deceased, you know, they speak all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. I'm not a translator, that would cost extra.

Ollie Abbot: How come your tape wound up at Al-Jazeera first?

Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. Colin Powel mentioned the tape at the UN a week before Al-Jazeera aired it. How they got it is another question. I taped a copy for Abdul from the liquor store next door, so I guess it got passed around somehow.

Ollie Abbot: Why didn't bin Laden just go to a Muslim necromancer?

Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from, necromancy is not allowed. It's witchcraft, people get killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of more lax policies on summoning the dead.

Ollie Abbot: But why did he choose you, a US citizen and a supposed enemy?

Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics. Besides, he's got unfinished business with us.

Ollie Abbot: What kind of unfinished business?

Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way he died. See, he had been sitting in his cave almost dead from diarrhea when a US bomb hit the last remaining crap out of him. So he wants to find out the precise cause of death. If it was the bomb that killed him, he'll think of himself as a hero. But if it really was diarrhea, then you know... It's a cultural thing. That's the biggest question on his mind right now, and the answer lies with the US troops in Tora Bora.

Ollie Abbot: How come the transcript of the tape doesn't mention that?

Miss Courvoisier: It's in that part where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt. The translators have totally missed the point.

Ollie Abbot: Did you ask him questions of intelligence nature? Names, dates, places, bank accounts?

Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my aura a bad vibe on the astral and thwart future attempts at contact. One must turn off and block out all political affiliations when invoking anything from the astral. We, necromancers, are similar to lawyers in that.

Ollie Abbot: How did it all happen and what did you experience?

Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying. I started with the pendulum and then switched to the Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!

Ollie Abbot: Tell us about your tools of the trade.

Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have always worked for me, but on occasion I also use Ouija board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment. I tried video, but even those new digital cameras aren't sensitive enough. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured with just a built-in mic on a regular boombox.

Ollie Abbot: US officials did mention that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much better than the one from November of 2002.

Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In November I used my boyfriend's Magnavox boombox. Not this time. See this? A Yamaha's Audio Workstation with hard disk recorder, CD Burner, sweepable high-pass filter, gate, compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously operable! It's a 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone digital ministudio. It includes mixing, automation, sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up to 7 PCM expansion boards, up to 96 MB of sample RAM, and up to 256 MB of waveform data. Oh yeah, there's also dynamics processing and parametric EQ, as well as…

Ollie Abbot: That's quite enough, thank you, our readers get the picture.

Miss Courvoisier: The hottest gear there is. Quite a bang for the buck!

Ollie Abbot: Is there anything that you would you like to tell our readers?

Miss Courvoisier: Never attempt to summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank you.


" ... It's not easy to videotape a ghost summoned from the astral, but the voice can be captured with just a built-in mic on a regular boombox."

" ... Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of more lax policies on summoning the dead."
" ... Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics."
" ... The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!"
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