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The
Life and Times of the World’s Wackiest Terrorists
FIVE EXCELLENT
REASONS
TO BLOW YOURSELF UP... ...and go to Paradise!
by Yasser Arafat, A&M
columnist
Everyone
goes to Paradise to have a good time, relax, explore, indulge,
and escape. Fundamentalist Islamic Paradise addresses these
desires with many of the same elements as infidel ones: beautiful
beaches, room service, exotic destinations, and so on. But
true believers cite five overriding reasons to die and go
to Paradise.
1) For the camaraderie and comfort
This is the most compelling
part of an all-fundamentalist experience, and the
hardest one to describe. Many find the experience
almost transcendental, which is why this destination
enjoys such a high popularity; at a minimum, it's
hard not to feel really relaxed and comfortable.
2) For the Fundamentalist entertainment and
activity
Our Paradise tends to feature
Fundamentalist-specific activities. From heated burqa
contests and public stonings to dog gassing and Shoot-The-Buddha
heavy artillery tournaments, games are never as much
fun in an infidel paradise.
3) To meet other people
Romance aside, meeting new
people and making new friends are popular attractions
of Paradise. Blowing yourself up ensures that you'll
have something major in common with your fellow Paradisers.
4) To escape the infidel world
People who feel oppressed by
the encroaching infidel world enjoy the liberation
of a fundamentalist environment. Living in a world
where infidel slayers are the majority helps relieve
the stress of living and/or working in an infidel
environment.
5) To get laid
If you're looking for a romantic
encounter, it's not hard to find one. But don't go
expecting a lifelong orgy. And if you're not looking
for lust, don't worry about it lurking all around
you. The general atmosphere may occasionally be sexually
charged, but it's rarely sexual.
Enjoy a comfortable,
infidel-free environment with an emphasis on friendship
and camaraderie in a place where you can be yourself,
be entertained, and have fun. That's the way we play.
Here's what some of our most
respected leaders have to say about the advantages of
Fundamentalist Islamic Paradise over reality.
OSAMA BIN LADEN:
This place has it all. Pool games, costume parties,
stand-up comedy - even bingo and winning back-to-back
Powerballs are never as much fun in the real world.
ABDUL (THE TURBAN) SAYID: I hate my life! I want to go to Paradise
and marry seventy two perfect women! I hate the
four useless hags I have for wives! You'd think
after forty-two years they'd know how to tie their
man's turban so it doesn't fall apart during the
photo shoot, right? Think again.
SHEIK
ABU HAMZA AL-MASRI
Yours shall be the dark-eyed maidens, reclining
face to face in their tents, and all will have appetizing
vaginas not violated by man nor jinn, and each time
you sleep with them you will find them virgin. That's
the way we play.
ABDURAHMAN (THE TWEETY)
RAHMAN: To hell with vaginas! I just want to
know if there won't be any birds in paradise.
My old turban leaks every time a bird takes a
crap on it! New, it easily held thirty bird droppings
without leakage -- not anymore! What? Allah will
issue me a new turban? Alright then... Where were
we? Oh yes, vaginas!
SHEIK
OMAR ABDEL RAHMAN:
The penis in Paradise never softens. The
erection is eternal; the sensation is utterly
delicious and out of this world and were you to
experience it in this world you would faint. Go
away, Yasser, I'd like to be alone now!
MULLAH DUBYAH: Virgins? What virgins? Surely you mean
raisins. Make no mistake, the Koran says nothing
about virgins, vaginas, or penises. Where in hell
did you get that idea? Check your translation.
My Penguin Classic says that in Paradise you shall
consume organic vegetables, Evian mineral water,
and yes, lots of raisins. That should mellow y'all
down somewhat.
Now that the secret
is out we anticipate an increase in arrivals of unsolicited
martyrs from all walks of life. Some of those people you
wouldn't want to meet in the real world. Avoid mixing
with indiscriminate freeloaders and opportunists! Hurry
up and make a reservation while supplies last!
The reality of Paradise is that
it is enormously popular, and even people with strong
reservations about blowing themselves up usually end
up having a great time.
Romance is far from guaranteed,
but you won't find a better setting to rekindle an old
relationship, or start a new one (of the LTR or one-night-only
variety).
Unless you're a curmudgeon, you
can certainly expect to make at least a few new friends.
For many people it's a dream
come true. For others, the thought of being stuck with
72 young virgins is a nightmare.
Family values are important.
If you are a "family man," check out our family
package with accommodations for up to four (4) wives
and fifty (50) children under 14. You don't mind spending
eternity with your loved ones, do you?
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHILD?
FATIMA,
DESPERATE MOTHER:
I strapped him with dynamite for the photo shoot...
I warned him not to press the red button... Will
they ever listen?
People of good will: If
you blow yourself up before I do, please find my
little Hakim in Paradise and tell him that his mom
loves him!
Don't
worry, Fatima! In Paradise, underage suicide bombers
enjoy themselves and count days until they come of age
and get their own harems with 72 wives.
ABOVE: Twin little brothers Jamal and Rahman in
Paradise, innocently killing time until their hormones
kick in.
OUR
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