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All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go

Lady Liberty's new clothes. This season's hottest fashion from Mecca.

This Doug Marlette's cartoon has a story behind it. See

An article by Kathleen Parker, January 8, 2003

U.N. Survey

Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.

  • In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
  • In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
  • In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
  • In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
  • In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
  • In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
  • And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant!!!!

Utopia still heads perfection league

by Mitchel Furman

A five-year UN study has reported that western democracies are the worst place any human being could ever possibly want to live in.

The director of the Why The West Sucks committee, Lee Chen, stated: "We based our report on a very simple criteria. We take the most perfect idealistic environment and see how the so-called western democracies measure up. Not surprisingly, they were not even close."

The reports points out many glaring examples of how the western democracies are "living hellholes."
People are in prison. If everything was perfect no one would be in prison.

People are sometimes sad. If everything was perfect no one would be sad.

People get angry at other people. If everything was perfect no one would be mad.

Most shockingly, each country contains large numbers of citizens that criticize the current government. Syrian observer Hassam Assad was astonished: "Clearly if people are openly criticizing their own government within the country itself things must be bordering on the edge of anarchy. I know back home no one ever criticizes my uncle. The reason why is obvious: his rule is perfect."

To complete the report, WTWS committee members - who hail from many diverse and open minded countries including China, Burma, Libya and Syria - spent five long and arduous years in the world's finest hotels eating the best in food and drink the earth can offer. At a total cost of $2.4 billion, the report is one of the most comprehensive ever completed.

The WTWS is eagerly preparing its next report which will cover worldwide pornography and strip clubs. It is also expected to take five years. Early indications are that western society is disgusting and sinful.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI: (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Al Gore Memo


Date: October 11th, 2001
From: the White House
To: Albert Gore

Dear Al:
We found some more votes.
You Won.
When do you want to take over?

George W. Bush


Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be far more evil than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Hafez Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake."


International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.


MEMO: Office Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

- - - - - - - -

DATE: December 2
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish Employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

DATE: December 3
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How do you suggest that I handle this? Somebody? Anybody?

DATE: December 7
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?

DATE: December 8
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice -- what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the request of burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

DATE: December 9
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please?

DATE: December 10
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&!*# salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

DATE: December 14
FROM: Teri Bishops, (Acting Human Resources Director)
TO: Everyone
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off.


Translating Liberal Speak to English

  1. Rights = Whatever policies I happen to favor this week.
  2. Civil rights = Same as rights, with emphasis
  3. Oppression = Advocacy or implementation of policies that I don't favor.
  4. Propaganda = Facts and data that supports an opposing view.
  5. You have an agenda = You disagree with me.
  6. Right wing extremist = A person who disagrees with me.
  7. Intolerance = Disagreement with my point of view.
  8. Bigot = Anyone who is intolerant (see #7).
  9. Rich = You have a job.
  10. Filthy rich = You have two jobs.
  11. Obscenely rich = You provide jobs.
  12. Greedy = You have your hand in your OWN pocket.
  13. Republican cuts = The Republicans are going to stop us from buying our targeted constituency votes with the public's tax money.
  14. Revenue enhancement = You pay more taxes.
  15. Victim = A member of targeted constituency
  16. Justice = Implementation of policies we favor for our targeted constituency.
  17. Economic justice = Providing an economic benefit to a victim (see #15).
  18. Balanced journalist = 10% of the people to his left complain about his bias as loudly as the 90% to his right.

I am a BAD American.

For over a year this tirade has been circulating on the Web in the form of a hoax, with slight alterations, attributed to various celebrities -- George Carlin, Ted Nugent, Rush Limbaugh among them. George Carlin and Ted Nugent have explicitly denied their authorship on their web sites. I'm posting it the way I first found it, attributed to Carlin...

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

Clinton & The Genie

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got 3 wishes.

The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times, only 1 wish could be granted.

Bill thought a minute and said I wish for peace in the Middle East. "See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting."

The genie looked at the map and said, "You must be from Arkansas! These countries have been fighting for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good, I don't think it can be done. Go ahead and make another wish."

Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin . I wish that she be made the most beautiful and well liked woman in the whole world."

The genie thought for a minute and said: "Can I see that map again?"

Politically Incorrect Test

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80 year old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85 year old congressmen with metal hips and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors. Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbut
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80 year old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. During the 1990s, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A Pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked in Athens and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindburgh
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The WWF to promote its next villain: Mustapha the Merciless
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, 4 airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck & Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002 the Unites States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. 1n 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Hmmmm. . . . nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling that I can see.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

* * *

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in (which just happens to be the ant's old house) crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

Democrat Beliefs

That every government program is essential and under-funded;

That the failure of any government program is proof it needs more funding;

That Bill Gates symbolizes what is wrong with America;

That only a risky Republican scheme would propose changes for high schools that graduate students who can't read their diplomas;

That the Ten Commandments are judgmental and, consequently, dangerous for our children to learn in school;

That big companies, which succeed in a free market by routinely offering the best product or service at the lowest price, shouldn't be trusted, and that big government, which can confiscate and redistribute its citizen's wealth and imprison them if they don't cooperate, should;

That I prove my compassion and generosity when I support tax increases on anyone who is richer than I;

That Bill Clinton was correct when he vetoed welfare reform, correct when he vetoed it again and correct when he proudly signed it into law;

That we support more gun laws and fewer convictions;
That the failure of 22,000 gun laws to prevent gun violence is proof that more gun laws are needed;

That the problem of gun violence will be solved as soon as law-abiding citizens are forced to disarm;

That, for every Clinton scandal, Republicans were guilty of "rushing to judgment" prior to proving wrongdoing and guilty of " dredging up old news " after proof was established;

That the Communist Chinese expected nothing in return for their contributions to the 1996 Clinton-Gore campaign;
That Republicans are evil, except Republican union members whose wages are confiscated for the purpose of funding Democratic campaigns;

That Bob Jones is a religious bigot with dangerous ideas when his faith dictates white Christians should marry only white Christians, but that Joe Lieberman is a good man with deeply held religious principles when his faith dictates orthodox Jews should marry only orthodox Jews;

That a thousand FBI files on prominent Republicans arrived at the White House as a result of an innocent bureaucratic SNAFU under the watch of a former bar bouncer who became head of White House security, and no one knows who hired him;

That Joe Camel brainwashed kids into smoking cigarettes, but that Hollywood's sex and violence do not influence them;

That media reports on the homeless are newsworthy unless a Democrat is in the White House;

That the timing of the American bombing of a Sudanese pharmaceutical plant on the day of Monica Lewinsky's testimony was purely coincidental;

That everyone deserves equal rights, except white males;
That we should march in favor of partial birth abortions and against the execution of child murderers;

That we support the Constitution's unwritten right to privacy but not its written right to bear arms;

That taxpayer dollars should never fund religious art except for art that denigrates Christianity;

That Al Gore invented the Internet and Hillary Clinton is a brilliant cattle futures speculator;

That minorities deserve high positions in government except when they are conservative;

That Bill Clinton has never forced himself upon a woman unless there is DNA evidence to prove it;

That we don't need to worry about records being set for the trade deficit, personal bankruptcies, and minorities in prison until a Republican is in the White House;

That thou shalt not judge, unless it is for the purpose of exposing conservative white males as angry, gun-toting rednecks and conservative blacks as back-stabbing charlatans;

That the administration created our nation's economic prosperity even if we can't name the Clinton-Gore proposals that caused it;

That Al Gore discovered Love Canal and was the hero of " Love Story ";

That we have no reason to suspect espionage occurred when hard drives containing our most valuable nuclear secrets were missing from the Los Alamos laboratory;
That, in the spirit of inclusion, our armed forces should welcome gay soldiers into their shower stalls;

That we should be outraged by the partial birth abortion of any animal except a human;

That Clarence Thomas is unfit for office but Bill Clinton is not;

That if our children aren't taught sex in school, they'll never find out about it;

That anyone who supports school vouchers, the strategic defense initiative, parental notification for abortion and privatization of social security is a right-wing kook, unless his name is Joe Lieberman;

That George W. Bush's degrees from Harvard and Yale do not change the fact that he is an idiot, but Al Gore's failing out of Vanderbilt is no reflection on his mentality;

And so, let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of donkeys.

Customer Survey

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).

* * *

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Personal Data

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:
Last Name
Code Name:

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase

4. Serial Number

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household Pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

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